My Big Fat Gay Wedding and more... by Traylor Trash, Out in America Columnist Welcome back to Trash Talk. I’m Traylor Trash and we’re going to spill some dish about any and everyone that has so much as a tiny blip on Auntie Traylor’s gaydar. It’s never, ever wrong! So sit down, get comfy, and let’s talk trash! WWE Smackdown’s Big Fat Gay Wedding After months of building suspicion about the nature of the relationship between tag-team wrestling partners Chuck & Billy by scripting in longer-than-straight-boy hugs on UPN’s WWE (Formerly WWF) Thursday Smackdown, the shows creators decided to finally pull out all of the stops by opening the new season with the first ever televised wedding between two gay wrestlers, September 12. Well, sort of... Chuck and Billy are really Chuck Palumbo and Monty Sopp. They also are not gay (so they say, anyway). WWE claims the stunt is merely for the purpose of entertainment and a logical storyline to follow in the world of wrestling. Truth be told, the show’s ratings have fell through the floor lately and the show’s executives are clamoring to get them back up in any way possible. In this case, we get to watch two buff guys in hot pants get married and then wrestle around with other scantily clad men in front of an arena full of people. Sounds like a porn I saw once. Janet Looses 'Control' Pop music icon Janet Jackson has put a large portion of her fan base into a snit recently with her decision to collaborate with ultra-homophobic Jamaican reggae star Beenie Man on the upcoming single “Feel it Boy” due out September 16, 2002. The song is taken from Man’s newest album Tropical Storm which also features collaborations with Lil’ Kim and So Solid Crew. The single has become the target of UK gay rights activist group OutRage! who have called for a boycott of the new single. Man has meanwhile vehemently denied being homophobic (despite quite public past statements to the contrary). Janet herself is keeping her trap shut about that matter (or maybe her tongue is still shoved down Justin Timberlake’s throat! ICK! She must have been smoking the Jamaican shit that night!) and has yet to issue a statement one way or the other concerning the matter. Activists charge that by lending her considerable credibility to homophobes like Beenie Man, she is betraying the very people who put her at the top. All that Auntie Traylor has to say about it is just this: Janet. Girl, if you make your bed with pigs, then you’re sure to get shit and mud all over you! Start getting your ganja from Mexico and Canada like all good Americans do and stop giving help to bigoted fu*kheads like Beenie Man! And for the love of Pete, please stop making out with chicken half your age like Justin Timberlake in public! I hope you got your shots after! I mean, he was boinking that bimbette Britney Spears (if she’s a virgin, then so am I!) for what, two years before? Hardly Ironic Grammy-winning recording artist Alanis Morisette recently revealed that she would keep trying to have a girl even if it meant having six sons first. She went on to add that she hoped that at least one of them would be gay so that she could “support his feminine side.” Honey, Auntie Traylor has a newsflash for you: any male child raised by Alanis “I’m an angry Canadian feminist pussy-rocker” Morissette is destined by powers far older than Bruce Vilanch to become a raging homosexual! I just calls ‘em like I sees ‘em. Being All They Can Be Speaking of angry Canadians, the Canadian Department of National Defense has purchased 26 episodes of the gay fitness program Urban Fitness that it plans to use in the training of Canadian troops. The Department has declined to offer exactly how the show will be used for training, but did reveal that it would be beamed via closed-circuit television to troops in Europe and the Middle East. The Canadian Army doesn’t exclude gays and lesbians, but there are no known statistics on just how many gay Canadian service people there are. The show, which is the creation of personal trainer Derek Noble, focuses on topics from Kayaking across the Hudson River to “The Hedonistic Art of Massage.” All topics that truly shout, “I have military training and I’m not afraid to use it!” Maybe the Department of National Defense should buy Martha Stewart’s show too. Then the Canadian Army can learn how to be truly as gay as they can be! Doo and Don’t Scooby-Doo co-stars Sarah-Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze, Jr. finally tied the knot over the Labor Day weekend in an undisclosed location free of paparazzi and the public-at-large in Mexico. But, according to some sources, the Dynamic Doo-Oh may have been having a deja-vu wedding. Some claim that they actually were wed in one of Las Vegas’ insta-wedding chapels in June. Scooby-Doo co-star Matthew Lillard referred to the couple as “the newlyweds” to the press soon after. The two met on the set of I Know What You Did Last Summer. No word yet where the honeymoon will be, but chances are it will be a short one as Gellar will soon be back in Hollywood taping what might well be the last season of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, which had the pristine honor recently of being named the single worst network television show for family programming by a conservative family watchdog group calling itself the Parent’s Television Council. The PTC cited the large increase in violence and sexual situations in last year’s season as means of coming to their conclusion. Sounds like programming that I can really relate to! By the way, when does Auntie Traylor get her rich actor husband and hit too-violent-and-sexually-provocative-for-family-television-show status? I can see it now--Trash Talk: The Celebrity Talk Show! Is someone taking this down?! Where’s my agent?!